Many people think that the goal of sex is to have an orgasm. While orgasms are ideal and enjoyable parts of the sexual experience, what if they don’t happen? What happens to sex if there are erection problems, or problems with penetration? If there are sexual problems, the ideal sexual situation that we often think about does not happen. Do you then just give up on sex?Also, couples can get into a rut with the same sex happening every time. So what can you do? The following exercise will help you think of sex differently. Rather than thinking about sex with the focus on having an orgasm, this exercise encourages you to think about sex with the focus being about pleasure. So find a piece of paper and a pen and give this exercise a try.

• Draw a circle on the piece of paper. The circle symbolizes the sexual experience. Rather than thinking about sex as starting at point A (the beginning) to point B (orgasm), the circle helps you to see the process as continuous pleasure. If an orgasm (s) happens, it is an added bonus.
• In the circle, list all of the sexual behaviors that you can think of that you find pleasurable. These behaviors can be anything that you find sexual and pleasurable such as massage, kissing, oral sex, etc.
• Have your partner draw a circle on a separate piece of paper and list all of the sexual behaviors that he or she finds pleasurable.
• Show each other your individual circles and explain it to your partner. Discuss the following questions together:
  1. why did each of you include what you did?
  2. Looking at the two circles, what behaviors overlap and what behaviors don’t overlap?
  3. Talk about the behaviors that don’t overlap. Ask each other why they were included in the other’s circle? Ask the person how he or she defines the behavior? How do you each feel about the behaviors that your partner included but you did not? Remember to be curious and find out why these things are important to your partner and what they mean. Be careful not to put your partner down about anything in his or her circle, as he or she has taken a risk to share it with you. Use this time as a safe opportunity to explore each other’s sexuality.
• Take another piece of paper, draw a circle, and write in all of the sexual behaviors that you and your partner agreed on and would like to put in your circle.
• In your next sexual experience, try to incorporate some of these behaviors. Focus on the pleasure that you receive from these activities. If you or your partner have a history of having a sexual problem, put it on the shelf for the time being and make your goal about focusing on the pleasure that you and your partner can give to one another.

written by Jennifer Foust, Ph.D., M.S., LPC

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