Having “good sex” is oftentimes determined even before the act is committed.  Therefore, it’s surprising that the topic of mood and atmosphere are often not deemed worthy enough to warrant a discussion, especially since these two concepts are important and might act as a precursor to sex itself. Thus, in our stereotypical world where men are assumed to initiate the act of seduction, one must ask themselves- how do they learn? What happens when some men don’t feel at ease with acting as the initiator, or feel uncomfortable with a woman initiating? What if they are just plain confused? Getting the ball rolling is not always such an easy, natural task.

This brings us to question- what is meant by the terms seduction, initiation, and getting the ball rolling? Seduction can often conjure up a negative connotation.. Does seduction refer to a man telling a woman everything he thinks she wants to hear for the goal of having sex with her? The word initiation might refer to a person trying to make the first contact. Lastly, getting the ball rolling may speak to the setting of boundaries. Interestingly, all these terms seem to box men in. Women want honesty from their partner, yet complain when the man is too direct and then request more romance. They certainly value having the stage set, and enjoy the process of wanting him- in other words, seduction. This brings us back to square one. It almost seems like a vicious cycle!

According to Dr. Zilbergeld, one way around this difficult situation is to think of this beginning process more of as an invitation. Invitations are something that most people are quite comfortable with. Imagine how you ask others to join you for a walk, a bike ride, the movies, breakfast, shopping, or even just a conversation. An invitation doesn’t sound threatening to most people, who enjoy being asked to participate in an activity, and having the option of accepting or declining the invite. In this situation, neither person has more control over the other person. Imagine a scene where you are being cajoled into accepting an invitation to breakfast with your partner. Wouldn’t it be more enjoyable if your partner described in depth the most delicious waffle that the café serves? What if they tell you how critical to their well-being it is that you join them at breakfast, and to prove it, they will pay? In these instances, there are often few dire consequences to either person if the invitation is rejected. How many women have you ever heard about being tide up and brought out to an elegant dinner, or shot to death because they were not in the mood to go to the movies? This example works well when describing an expensive meal, yet when it comes to sex, everything suddenly changes. Invitations turn into power and control issues, and communication is at a standstill.

According to Dr. Zilbergeld there are three important aspects to sexual initiation, or in this case sexual invitation:  The "willingness to extend an offer of something exciting to come: the actual invitation or seduction,” the "willingness to be rejected” and the "building of arousal.”

The actual invitation or seduction is to illicit desire, excitement and arousal, yet there is no one correct way to invite. Everyone reacts slightly different, and what turns Mary on might turn Sally off. People are all different. In fact, what works one day with one person might fail the next with them the next. It is brutal out there! Yet, these differences are what help to cut up the monotony of an overused initiation technique. Even with all these unknowns, there is one helpful rule to keep in mind. Invitations are more likely to be accepted when both people feel good about this relationship! So before you try to seduce your partner in bed, try to establish some sort of a connection with her or her. Try a meaningful conversation. Start by asking something as simple as how their day was, how their meeting went. Mention how much you appreciate them doing the dishes, or simply cuddle with them and say how lucky you feel to have met them.  If you’re feeling direct and adventurous, you could simply state “ would you like to make love?”  If your partner is in a similar state of mind, then all the better for the both of you. Remember, this is still an invitation, and your partner is free to accept or reject the invite.

The advice above indicates a lower level of work put into your attempts to entice your partner, and therefore their chances of saying ‘no’ are much greater. To increase her desire, pay close attention to your body language, and try the following:

• Shop with your partner for sex toys together. The act of shopping together can not only be informative about the other person’s likes and dislikes, but could give you insight as to their fantasy about what sex should look like.  If getting out of the house is too hard, you can always go online, look at a catalog or wander throughout your house and identify regular household objects that could double as a sex toy!
• Write a poem about your sexual turn-ons and share it with your partner.
• Reminisce with your partner about a sexual adventure that had meaning to you.  Share with your partner the details about what exactly it was that worked for you. Compliments get you everywhere!
• Massage her hands. Nibble on her fingers. Suck on them.  Let your tongue linger. Without taking your hands off of her hands, bring them to your mouth and deep throat her fingers.  Then do the same with her feet.  Do not miss any of her toes.  into your mouth.
• While massaging her head, play with her hair. Let your fingers run through her hair.  Then slightly pull on her hair, as if you were putting her hair into a ponytail, massage the back of her neck as if you were making love to her.
• Rub her temples. Let your let your fingers wander over her eyebrows, down her nose, follow the ridge of her lips, slowly bend down and kiss her forehead, continue to massage her. Let her feel your longing gaze.
• As her head lays in your lap, back flat on the ground, rub your hands along the muscles directly around her clavicle bones. Massage her sore muscles, touch her outer shoulders, let your hands occasionally wander near her breasts - but avoid touching her nipples at all cost. ·  Make her want you, make her feel so excited that she can not but help herself to grab your hands and place them directly on her. This is all about desire and anticipation·
• There is also simple kissing. Kissing that starts off slow and easy, which slowly builds up speed and intensity. Very few people actually complain of too much kissing, mood building or anticipation.  Half of good sex is attitude.

Remember back when you had never had sex before, and were kissing your first love for the first time.  Kissing was exciting, and may have felt like the gateway to everything else. It was new, and could last for hours on end. Most importantly, it signified the beginning of an adult sexual relationship. This might not be everyone’s experience, but it is safe to say that for many people the first kiss felt memorable and exciting.  Please note, while very few people ever feel like they have overdosed on kissing, there is a time and place for fast hard passionate sex - that just does not include much kissing.

Again, having just done all this 'work' to entice her, she still may say 'No'. The idea of the other person being free to accept or reject brings us to the second important aspect of sexual initiation. You must have a willingness to be rejected and the skill set to not take it personally. Sometimes, people are just not in the mood. Maybe they are stressed out from work, enjoying their TV program, looking forward to sleep, hungry or just finished masturbating and are feeling sore. Sometimes her thoughts, feelings, attitude, mood and desire have nothing to do with you.  Sometimes a ‘No’ simply just means No, and has no reflection on you, the person doing the asking.

written by Alex Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, LCSW

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