Do you get nothing out of sex? Do you feel like you must be missing something? If so, then this tip is just for you. The purpose of the tip is to help you become more in touch with your body, specifically to increase your sexual-self-awareness.

     Take a half hour and try to identify what turns you on & off. Specifically, try to identify at least one turn on and one turn off for each of the 5 senses (smell, touch, visual, auditory, and taste). And, add one more - emotions.

     The purpose of adding emotions as another category is that it will help you separate your senses from your thoughts. Mixing the two sometimes leads to sexual problems. For example, people who ‘get nothing out of sex’ live in their mind and not in their body. This exercise is about fine tuning your senses and leaving the thoughts behind.

     To help you brainstorm, common answers have been included. In addition to stating the turn-ons and offs, we have included the thought process behind each answer. For the purposes of this exercise, all you need to do is identify what turns you on (or off). The understanding behind it, while useful, is not necessary. The rationales only become important in the advanced level of this exercise.

Smells – turn ons

• The smell of certain colognes makes me feel turned on.
• The smell of alcohol. It makes me feel relaxed.
• The smell right after a good rainstorm. It makes everything feel cleaner and fresher.
• The smell of sex is a turn on. It makes me think that I am going to get laid too!
• Underarm smell. The dirtier the better. I feel like I am a loser. So when I am with someone who has smelly armpits, I feel like I can relate to this person and then I can really lose myself in sex.

Smells – turn offs

• The smell of certain colognes is a huge turn off. I can barely stand next to the person, let alone lay naked next to them. This person needs to take a serious shower.
• The smell of sex makes me want to gag. I can only tolerate sex when the window is open and the sheets are clean.
• The smell of dirty armpits is disgusting and I could never imagine being with someone who has poor hygiene.

Visuals – turn ons

• Seeing my boyfriend/girlfriend step out of the shower with just a towel on is very erotic.
• Watching porn turns me on.
• Seeing a good looking person makes me look and fantasize about sex.
• Watching someone lift weights makes me think about what he/she must be like in bed.
• Having a partner do a strip tease makes me feel giddy.
• Knowing that someone shaved their genitals for me is a huge turn on. Not only does it look clean and young adolescent like, but there are no hairs to get in the way!
• Big butts are a turn on because it makes me think that there is a lot to grab onto.
• Tall people make me feel petite and thus sexy.
• Beautiful people make me feel beautiful too.

Visuals – turn offs

• Someone who is too skinny makes me feel like I am going to break them.
• People who do not take care of their bodies. Makes me feel like they do not like themselves and thus nor should I. For other people it makes them feel ugly too.
• Beautiful people make me feel ugly and unworthy.
• Watching porn seems degrading and I sexually shut down.
• Ugly people. It’s hard to imagine having sex with them

Auditory – turn ons

• Fast music makes me want to have fast hard sex.
• Romantic music makes me melt in my partners arms
• Listening to my partners’ heartbeat is very soothing and arousing. I feel particularly close.
• Hearing my partner moan makes me feel very sexy. When I feel like I am dong something right, I want to keep going and do more. I like the feeling of being in control.
• Hearing other people through the walls is a turn on. I love the idea that someone could walk in on us, or better yet hear us.

Auditory – turn offs

• Music distracts me
• Hearing my partner moan is embarrassing. He reminds me of a monkey and I feel like running away.
• Hearing people through the walls makes me feel like someone could walk in on us, and I would die from embarrassment. When I hear other people, I shut down. The last thing I want to do is be sexual.

Taste – turn ons

• Chocolate makes me feel aroused. I love using food in the bedroom.
• The taste of clean sweat from the gym, meaning when my partner comes back after a hard workout.
• The taste of cum.

Taste – turn offs

• The taste of sweat
• Dirty tasting people
• The taste of cum after someone eats asparagus
• Anything that makes my mouth burn
• Yummy foods. I’d rather be eating than having sex!

Emotions – turn on

• When I feel safe, I am more comfortable sexually experimenting, which makes me feel sexually alive.
• When I am in love, I want to touch the other person and be close.
• When I am infatuated with the person, and know that it is a temporary relationship.
• When the person only wants a fling with me, I tend to trick myself into believing that if I make the sex exciting enough, she/he would never leave me
• Right after a fight, all I want to do is have sex. It makes me feel like things will get better.

Emotions – turn offs

• Fighting makes me turned off.
• Feeling too safe makes me feel like I am with a sibling as opposed to a lover.
• When I do not know a person. I can only imagine being intimate with someone that I have been with for a long time.

For the advanced couple: After each person has completed the above exercise, hand your partner your answer sheet. Without looking at his or her answer sheet, answer the following questions about how you think your partner responded to the questions.

• Which of the 5 senses were the biggest turn ons?
• Which of the 5 senses were the biggest turn offs?
• Can you name one thing within each category that turns your partner on or off?
• Now, share with your partner whether his or her guesses are accurate or false. Explain your answers and your reasoning to her / him.
• The person doing the guessing should then take a few minutes and ask some follow up questions about the turn ons and turn offs.
• Rate your level of accuracy. If you guessed your partner’s answers 100% congratulations. Chances are the two of you have good communication skills. If you missed at least 25% of the answers to the questions, you need to ask yourself, what has prevented you from becoming candid with him or her about your trials and tribulations. Who do you let into your world and why?
• Lastly, summarize your partners’ likes and dislikes.
• Create an imaginary date, and discuss with your partner ways to use your newly discovered turn ons / turn offs to enhance and add spice and excitement to your next sexual experience.

Hint: The purpose of fully sharing with your partner is not simply to hear yourself talk. The real goal is to teach your partner more about you and your sexuality. Give him or her the full rationale. By teaching your partner about your likes and dislikes, your partner will become a better lover to you! She / he will know exactly what to do to make you want him / her.

written by Jennifer Foust, Ph.D., M.S., LPC

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