For many people, using pornography is a component of their overall dating behavior and repertoire.  For some, however, that relationship with porn turns into an addiction and these individuals begin a relationship with porn rather than a dating relationship.  Many become “stuck” and are essentially dating pornography. If you feel like you are stuck in a relationship with pornography and not moving forward in your dating relationships then you may wish to assess the extent to which you are dependent upon using porn to replace dating and fill your sexual or social needs.  This tip is designed to help you discuss and evaluate your dating relationships and your relationship with pornography. 

First you will begin to evaluate your relationship with pornography.  Below is a list of questions to answer in order to assess the extent of your relationship with porn.  You will focus on things such as how long you have been using porn, what it means to you, how it fits into your overall values system, what need is it filling, and what difficulties do you feel you are experiencing with dating due to using pornography. To get a clear understanding of your relationship with porn, it is necessary that you are honest in your answers to the questions.  Some questions may be hard for you to answer or they may bring up feelings you have been trying to avoid for some time, and that’s ok, as long as you commit to thinking about each question openly and honestly.  However, do not over thing the questions.  Go with what you gut tells you is the honest answer.  Don’t sugar coat anything to make yourself feel better; this will only cause a harder struggle in the end. Remember, this tip is designed to help you evaluate where you stand with your relationship with porn and dating.  Then you will be able to make a decision as to what you would like to do to change your situation, or if you would like to keep it the same.  No one is passing judgment on you so try not to pass judgment on yourself.

Evaluating your relationship with porn.

v     Does your dating life suffer because of your use of pornography?

v     Are you more comfortable with porn than you are with dating?

v     Have previous relationships ended because of pornography?

v     Do you feel like you’re spending excessive time, energy and money on porn?

: list 1.0in;" class="MsoNormal">v     Do you want to cut back but feel like it’s not possible?

v     Does using porn fit into your values system?

v     Does it go contrary to your values?

v     How long have you been using porn?

v     What were your early experiences like?

v     How long have you been in a “relationship” with porn?

v     How much time and effort are your putting into your relationship with pornography?

v     Are your needs being met?

v     Do you discuss your use of porn with friends or potential partners?

v     Do you feel ashamed after looking at porn?

v     What do you get out of porn emotionally, physically, and socially?

v     What is your comfort zone with porn?

v     What is outside your comfort zone?

v     Are you replacing a relationship with a real person for one with someone on screen?

v     Have you felt disappointed by potential partners because they haven’t lived up to your expectations based upon using porn?

v     Is pornography a part of a relationship?

v     Do you want to do both or are you comfortable with being single?

v     What is attractive about watching porn?

v     What is unattractive?

v     What do you feel like you are missing from porn?

Evaluating your dating relationships.

v     Do you feel like you are missing out? 

v     Are your friends in relationships and you’re not?

v     Do you long to have someone special to share your life with?

v     What is your time spent with porn to dating ratio?

v     What do you get out of dating physically, emotionally, and socially?

v     What have your dating experiences been like overall?

v     Do you have a positive or negative connotation of dating?

v     What are you afraid of about dating?

v     What types of dating situations have you been exposed to already: single dates, group dates, online dating, blind dates etc.?

v     Do you feel pressure to date, marry, and start a family?

v     Do you wish to delay that stage of your life?

v     What has caused your past relationships to fail?

v     Are you currently in a relationship?

v     Do you feel like you have failed at dating in the past?

v     Are you confused by society’s dating conventions?

v     Do you feel like a worthy partner?

v     What do you have to offer a long-term partner?

v     What do you want from a long term partner?

v      Have you found someone who had the qualities you are looking for?

v     How does porn fit into your view of dating?

written by Amber Lynn Connell, MA

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