Problems with sex drive are to be expected if you are not enjoying sex - or do not get enough arousal to become orgasmic. Why should you want something that is not particularly enjoyable!

Thus, if you are finding yourself not particularly excited by the sex that you are having with yourself or the sex that you and your partner are having, consider yourself normal for having a low sex drive. As you learn new ways to enhance your sexual pleasuring techniques, your sex drive, almost by default will increase.

If you are having trouble exciting yourself during masturbation, try using toys:

• lubrication: lubrication will help increase the pleasurable sensations by decreasing the friction often caused by sticky hands
• dildos and / or vibrators : dildos and vibrators can be used for solo-intercourse. They can be used alone, or you combine them with manual stimulation. Furthermore, some dildos are designed to stimulate your g-spot, others will tickle your clitoris while penetrating you.
• pillows: squeezing your inner thighs around a pillow will enhance the sensations of masturbation – no explanation is purposely given to explain this sensation. This is something you simply will need to take our word for.
• fast PC contractions: fast PC contractions causes you to feel an extra level of stimulation
• water: let water drip from the water faucet onto your genitals and masturbate. This added sensation is completely outside of your control and may just add enough umph to make it more exciting for you.
• books: sexy books helps set the mood, not to mention candles and soft music.

    If you have no idea what turns you on, try having Mindful Sex

However, if it is your partner who is experiencing a low sexual desire, take some time to focus on a) how to sexually stimulate your partner and b) bring the romance back. And if it is you who has the low sex drive, show this to your partner and talk about it with him/her.

     Exciting your partner will require:

Communication skills (ie. being able to say what you like and dislike, what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable etc). Willingness to experiment (ie. you will never know what you like and or dislike if you do not try something). Trust (ie. trust that you partner is on your side, and that the two of you are working together).

If you and your partner are having 'sex drive' problems . . . one question that you might want to ask yourself is 'how committed are we to the relationship?' Are we talking about divorce? Are there any extra-marital affairs going on? Am I really willing to let down my guard and work on this issue? If you and your partner are able to honestly say that you are each 100% invested in this relationship, and want to improve your level of intimacy than you are ready to begin.

     Having different levels of sex drive is one of the most difficult issues to resolve. There is no 'right' sex drive level. Normal is defined by the couple being in sink with each other. If both couples desire sex once a month, or once a day, then it is normal.

In the last Sex Tip, I spoke of people having a low sex drive because the sex was not fun. However, for some people this may not be the case. For some, they have no trouble feeling sexually aroused or excited.... rather their low sex drive is a reflection of negative messages about female sexuality, fear of loss of control over sex drive, unpleasant reactions during sex, fear of pregnancy, STI's, depression, hormonal or medical issues, body image and aging concerns, partner attraction issues, issues of trust, issues of personal space and lastly lifestyle issues and marital conflicts.

     Now that you have been able to identify the cause of your low sex drive. "Treatment" should follow accordingly.

1. Negative messages about female sexuality: Develop positive messages about female sexuality. To do this, you will need to explore where you got those messages from. Looking back in time, what were your parents attitudes, your peers, culture. How are these messages beneficial to you. Are these values something that you want. If not, ask yourself why you keep holding onto them. You may benefit from a woman's/men's empowerment group (depending on your gender), feminist literature or even a class taught from a feminist perspective.
2. The work ethic: You spend so much time working hard and trying to become successful, that sex becomes a low priority. Therefore no sex drive. Try scheduling more relaxing time into your day. Focus on the 'frivolous' sides of life. Get touch with the child in you. Schedule play time and time for sex.
3. Unpleasant reactions during sex: Sometimes people come to relationships with childhood trauma's (sexual abuse, rape etc.) therefore sex feels bad. Old memories are brought up. One way to resolve this problem is to put the person with the 'unpleasant reactions during sex' in full control. Have that person for the next 2 months initiate all sexual contact.
4. Fear of loss of control over sex drive: as I have said before, letting yourself go, orgasm, will not change you as a person. You will decide how to act.
5. Fear of pregnancy: Use two forms of birth control and/or engage in all other sexual activities besides intercourse.
6. Depression: See a counselor. As your depression decreases, your sex drive will naturally increase.
7. Hormonal or medical issues: See your doctor. Your sex drive may be related to your hormonal level or medical issues.
8. Body image and aging concerns: see #1. Look in the mirror and begin telling yourself all the different ways in which your body DOES work for you. Are you able to sit, stand, run, dance, etc.
9. Partner-attraction issue. Talk with your partner about this. If his breath stinks, let him know this. Let him know that you feel more attracted to him after he brushes his teeth, or right after a shower. If it the skill level of your partner which is a turn off, keep reading this newsletter and more techniques to improve sex will be coming up in the next few weeks.

written by Alex Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, LCSW

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