Whoever said being in a relationship didn’t involve sacrifice was either speaking about  their relationship with a robot, or needs to tell the general public where to find this mystical partner!  To be in a relationship includes sacrifice.  We all want our partners to be happy, which often means not watching the entire football game, or part of a television show,  in order to spend a half hour enjoying our partners’ company. Or, the sacrifice can have more significance, such as relocating to a different city for our partners’ job. Raising a child in a certain religious faith and deciding whose family members to name in the will are also other major decisions a couple will need to make together.  For most of us, however, the sacrifices are much smaller.  Deciding to order-in chinese food because your partner is craving it is one example, picking up the papers’ your partner left on the table without mentioning it is another. There are many forms of sacrifice- and indeed, this word may be too intense for situations like choosing a meal. Perhaps you enjoy making your partner happy, and don’t view ordering chinese food as something negative, even if you’re not in the mood. The saying “give and take”might be a better subsitute for the word sacrifice in  a healthy relationship.

Although this type of give and take is normal, what happens when you find yourself doing most of the give, and your partner most of the take? You might find that the little gives add up to one large sacrifice  Like building a fragile structure out of a deck of cards, it only takes one card to tip the structure. A power imbalance might take place within the relationship, which can be an easy trap to fall into, until one too many sacrifices becomes too much for even the most seemingly willing and loving partners to endure.. It may be that the partner “taking” more may not even realize it, especially if the other partner doesn’t acknowledge the imbalance. The partner with less power will eventually begin to feel the emotional drainage that comes with giving too much of themselves, while not getting much in return. That’s why it is so important to recognize the signs and catch them early.

Signs and Symptoms

Simply having an imbalance of power in a relationship doesn’t mean that your  partner is abusive, or overly demanding! An imbalance doesn’t indicate that one partner is actively seeking to dominate their partner in a malicious manner, and usually occurs as a result of both individual’s actions. The issue might be subtle in the early stages, and it’s possible that neither partner will recognize the beginning of the power imbalance.  Despite this warning, it is also important that you become aware of what could become a potentially serious situation in the relationship. Having a substantial power imbalance can cause a depletion in self-esteem and self-image. It is something that needs to be dealt with! Start asking yourself these basic questions:

• How often is it that I get what I want/my partner wants when we go out?
• Do I feel that I get stuck with most of the housework?
• Does my partner regularly leave dirty dishes, laundry, or other responsibilities for me to do, under the assumption that I will clean them up? Do I?
• How often do we spend time with my friends? With my partner’s friends?
• Does my partner ask me questions in order to get input on my view point? Does he seem interested by my feedback on whether or not I enjoyed an activity?
• Does my partner seem willing to hear about my interests and activities in an open-minded, understanding way? Does he seem to realize that my interests are every bit as important to me as his interests are to him, and treat them accordingly?
• Does my partner ignore me when I ask him to do things?
• Does my partner sometimes poke fun at me in a way that he considers joking, but that I feel is offensive? Does it do it in front of others?
• Does my partner automatically assume that his goals will take precedence over mine, without discussing it with me?
• When I have a problem, does my partner take me seriously? Does he address my problems in an understanding way, or see these problems as an intrusion on his life/free time?
• Have I spoken to my partner about the equality within our relationship? Do I find the thought of doing so to be difficult or uncomfortable?
• When I bring up concerns about our relationship, does my partner accuse me of getting too worked up or overreacting?
• Do we as a couple clearly devote more time and energy to my partner than myself?

These questions are just a sample of the ones you can ask yourself in order to determine if equality in your relationship is an issue. It is true that every relationship has a different dynamic, and each couple is comfortable with certain amounts of control. However, if when answering these questions you felt bothered, and realized some of your needs aren’t being met, you owe it to yourself to do something. Keep in mind that your partner isn’t actively trying to hurt you, he or she might not be aware of how they are making you feel. Most partners are willing to work on the problem with you once you become aware of it.  Keep in mind that once problems begin, the relationship will become steadily more unbalanced if left unchecked, so it is important to tackle this problem as soon as you notice it.

A Step in the Right Direction

Depending on the severity of the imbalance in your relationship, and your partner’s level of willingness to work with you, you may want to seek help from a relationship counselor. The relationship counselor can act as an impartial third party, and can help you discover and address the roots of the problems in your relationship, and will act as a guide. Fortunately, you can take the necessary steps without a relationship counselor, and make your partner aware of how you feel in order to open the lines of communication. This way, you can tackle the problem together.. The following are three of the earliest and easiest steps you can take to start moving in the right direction. These steps are SPEAK, ACT, and RESPOND:

SPEAK – Speak with your partner! This is the first and most important step because it addresses the problem and establishes your desire for equality. By saying “I have a problem with the way things are going right now, and I want us to change it together,” you assert yourself. You are making it clear that  your emotions are valid, and deserve your partners’ full attention as well as effect. This establishes your role as an equal. It’s important to remember that your partner may not be aware that you are unhappy, so avoid making any accusations or placing the blame. However, it’s equally important that you be firm and make sure your partner understands that this is something that is important to you. Compare your impressions, and hopefully this first conversation will allow both of you to explain your own viewpoints.

ACT – By demonstrating submissive behavior, you’re validating your partners’ expectations- So don’t act submissive!  When imbalance is present, often the individual with less control will unknowingly encourage it through words and expressions, or lack of both. If you wash the dishes everytime your partner leaves them out, you are simply reinforcing that this behavior is alright. Say something like, “ I put away the dishes last week, how about you do it this week?” You aren’t a janitor for your partner- so don’t act like one! Make it clear to your partner that you are happy to meet in the middle, but that truly means in the middle! Not ¼ of the way.Remember that this only does any good after step one, so that your partner knows how you feel. Don’t be pushy, but be firm and clear about what you want, and that you value being an equal in the relationship.

RESPOND – If your partner acts in a way that makes you respond in a submissive manner, take note of it at once. Like other bad habits, this one should be easier to stop the more it is acknowledged. React to the incident right when it happens, don’t delay. This could mean saying something like, “I don’t feel that the way you’re talking to me right now is fair or considerate,” or, “When you ignore what I’m saying and brush me off, you’re saying that I am not as important in this relationship as you are – when you have a problem, I give you my complete attention, and I would expect you to do the same.” Again, this will only be effective after you have talked to your partner. And don’t forget that the reverse of this rule is true as well!  So when your partner does something considerate and shows respect, let them know! This is positive reinforcement, and like rewarding someone each time they complete a task, their positive behavior should continue- especially if they recognize you are happier.

SPEAK, ACT, and RESPOND are the three simplest steps that you can make in correcting any power imbalances in your relationship. If you practice them daily, you will notice a difference.  SPEAK to your partner – keep the channels for communication open and use them regularly. The old adage goes that people will treat you the way you let them, so act like an equal and break negative patterns. When your partner  does something wrong, or something you view as right, make sure to RESPOND! immediately to help stop or reinforce that particular behavior. By having a clear goal for your relationship and using these steps to foster positive change, you and your partner can work together for a more balanced, and ultimately more mutually satisfying, relationship.

written by Alex Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, LCSW

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