Depression and Your Sex Life

    A fulfilling, mutually pleasurable sex life can be representative of the overall condition of the relationship. Intimacy during sex is a two-way street, as it requires physical contact, as well as being emotionally present with each other. In its most raw form, intimacy can trump having a deep conversation, because to be physically close can induce anxiety in even the most gregarious of individuals, who may be using speech as a form of avoidance.

     When an individual is suffering from depression, their feelings of lethargy, hopelessness, sadness, loss and dissatisfaction with self and others impede their ability to have sex with their partner; they aren’t present physically and/or emotionally, and therefore their sex life lacks the intimacy their partner craves.

     Of course, there are those individuals who turn to the momentary high of reaching orgasm as an escape from their depression and overall listlessness. Their partners, however, will most likely notice the lack of intimate connection.

     Bridging the gap between a satisfying sex life, and being in a healthy mental state, is two fold. You firstly need to understand how your sexuality has been affected by your depression, and then you need to build strategies in order to cope with your depression.

Answer these questions honestly to determine how your sexuality is influenced by depression:

• Do you masturbate in order to escape your feelings of depression?
• Do you have sex with your partner, or individuals, in order to avoid your feelings of depression?
• Does it take you longer to become sexually aroused when you are depressed?
• Do you need more overt cues from your partner to engage in sex when you are depressed?
• Does it take you longer to reach orgasm when depressed?
• Are you taking medication that could produce sexual side effects?
• When you’re feeling depressed, do you prefer to be alone or with somebody?
• When you’re feeling depressed, does touch comfort you?

Various coping mechanisms can include, but are not limited to:

• Make sure you are on a healthy sleep cycle. Ask your partner to take a nap with you, or go to bed earlier with you.
• Speak to your partner or friends, and let them know that you are depressed. If this is too difficult to say, let them know that you haven’t been feeling yourself lately, and you would appreciate their support.
• Maintain a healthy diet. Limit your alcohol intake, which acts as a depressant. Ask your lover to help you incorporate proper eating into your life; share this goal with each other. 
• Increase the amount of carbohydrates that you eat. Decrease the amount of sugar that you eat. Although the initial rush will seem worth it, the crash isn’t.
• Drink water! Dehydration has been linked to depression.  If you find the concept of 8 glasses a day too boring, do a water-tasting test with your partner. Purchase different types of bottled waters together, and then determine your favorite. Kind of like the Coke and Pepsi challenge, but healthier!
• Exercise! If it isn’t already a part of your lifestyle, it is a very important addition. Even by taking a light walk, you are releasing endorphins that help combat depression. Exercise includes sex, a daily walk, playing basketball, and / or taking  dance class with your partner! Don’t limit yourself to just one form of exercise, try something new!
• Try meditating, which can help to relieve stress. Do something simple, such as breathing in and out for five minutes, noting the rate of your breath and any other sensations you experience.  In the bedroom, focus your energy on the sensations that you are experiencing – as opposed to letting your mind wander.
• Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends and family. If there is no one you feel comfortable speaking to about your depression, consider seeing a counselor.
• Teach your friends and family about how your cycle of depression works. What specifically can they do to support you as to cope with it.
• If you have a partner, ask yourself how you feel when you are with him / her?  Does his / her behavior towards you make you feel worse or better?
• Increase your social life! Call a friend back who you have been ignoring. Go out one night every week. If this seems too drastic...
• Consider group therapy. Isolating yourself from others only increases the depressive symptoms. A group can be a means of support, as well as a means to decrease isolation.
• Make sure you are receiving enough sunlight, as a lack of sunlight increases the release of melatonin, which lowers your overall body temperature and gives you lethargy.  Maybe this means scheduling a weekend get-away with your lover to Florida!  Again, think creatively. 
• Keep busy. Though inspiration caused by an activity may not occur, it is important to entertain the thought of taking the art classes you have been meaning to sign up for, or various other activities. Additionally, this is a good time to ask your partner if there are any tasks that she/he wants you to accomplish. Maybe you can paint a room together, help your partner with a project, or redecorate your bedroom.
• Volunteer at an organization you care about. Or, if you’re worried about a time commitment, help a friend or person in need.
• Focus on developing your own skill sets.  Set small goals. In the next four weeks I want to accomplish XYZ. The goal(s) could be anything from finishing your resume, applying to five jobs, attending the gym 4 times a week, getting good at giving oral sex, learning how to have an orgasm.
• Trade in your all black ensemble for something more vibrant, such as a red. Brighter colors can help lift your mood. In addition, dress sexy! The sexier you feel about yourself, the more confident you seem, and this confidence will be contagious to your partner, who will love your new vibe!.
• Smile. It is a universal statement that is understood through all cultures. See how it lifts your mood, and notice the response you receive from those around you.  You might be pleasantly surprised.
• Let your loved ones know how much their support means to you. When they recognize that you are grateful, they will be more likely to offer support with pleasure in the future.

written by Alex Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, LCSW

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