If it is true that how you feel is greatly connected to the way you think, then what must your body (especially your penis) feel? It is important to take a step back and take a look at what your thoughts are during moments of sexual activity. Messages and thoughts of “Don't screw up,” or “Only losers can't get an erection,” or “She'll leave you if you disappoint again” during sex, are clear examples of distorted thinking. Distorted thoughts are not factual, they predict the worst outcome with really no basis. It is not surprising that your body is reacting to the stress and anxiety that the negative thoughts are producing. Distorted thoughts come in many packages, such as over-generalization. For example, “I lost my erection with my partner the last time, which means it will happen EVERY time.” You have concluded that something unpleasant that has happened to you once will happen again and again. Such self defeating thinking would keep any penis down. This type of distorted thinking can overpower and overshadow positive strides that may have been made. Perhaps you have more ability to gain an erection in the past few weeks than ever before, but instead you are consumed by the fact that you still lost your erection the minute you engage in intercourse. Progress still has been made, and it's important to acknowledge and record all strides, small and large. Every detail, every thought, is a piece to the puzzle in addressing and improving your erection.

In addition to learning techniques, your thoughts have a powerful hold on your physical performance, and hold even more power over a person when thoughts are negative. Negative thoughts, like “I'm a failure as a lover,” or “No one will ever stay with me cause I can't perform sexually,” can cloud one's mind so much to the point that it can cause a person to believe and feel that they are truly a failure. Do you really think not having an erection means you are a failure? Just because you suck in bed, does not mean you are a failure as a lover; maybe you're great at oral sex. As powerful as negative thoughts are, they are also sneaky little things. Negative thoughts can overshadow rational thinking to the point of convincing a person of irrational overgeneralized thoughts, which develop into negative feelings and distorted thinking.

For men who continue to have difficulty controlling their erection, there is a certain negative, repetitive pattern that develops. People can often begin to expect specific patterns to repeat itself, even if it's something that is not at all desired, like having a flaccid penis at the worst possible moment. When this happens, its hard to get out of the predictable rut; your mind is off and running. Whether it happens at the moment of moving from foreplay to intercourse with your partner, or engaging in sex with a new partner and you can't achieve a full erection, you begin to anticipate the inevitable failed sexual encounter. No matter how much you try or hope this time will be different, the same outcome happens again.

There is a sense of hopelessness, and feeling out of control when no matter what you do, a certain negative pattern, like erectile difficulties, continues to repeat itself. The first step in changing your sexual outcome is to recognize that change is possible. There is more potential for change when there's is less energy wasted on the negative, such as “my penis will fail me again.” The less negative focus, the more room there is for more positive thinking, and eventually, more positive results.

Take Back the Control of Your Penis by Taking Control of Your Inner Critic

Your inner critic is the person who continues to feed the distorted thought pattern, and is a major source of your feelings of worthlessness. Sometimes people call this a script. Your script is telling you what should be happening. And in reality it isn't what happens. Often what happens, is your inner critic is in conflict with your script that you've been taught. Your script begins to chime in, because you are no longer focusing on the moment at hand, and your are now stuck in your head listening to the critic. Begin taking control of your inner critic by tracking your thought pattern when sexually active (when masturbating, as well as when with a partner). It may be easier to track your thoughts when without the distraction of the partner. But in case your thoughts are different when with a partner, and when without, it's important to be aware of that. What I mean by tracking is: grab a piece of paper, date each time you record the exercise on the paper. Write down in as much detail your experiences with your sexual thoughts during that specific encounter. Write down the the thoughts and messages you recall that went through your head, when you begin to identify the negative thoughts , indicate how your body responded to the negative thinking. The important thing to look for is the timing of when you begin to struggle with the erection, and if it is at the same time or shortly after you begin to get stuck on your script, and the negative thoughts. Then, review the recorded thoughts, and track how many were negative statements, or messages predicting failure. Reflect on these thoughts, how true are these statements?

Tracking Example:

Monday night: Was able to get an erection by giving and getting oral sex with my girlfriend, so we decided to try and have intercourse.

Thoughts at first: “I have to stay hard this time, I can't just keep going down on my girlfriend to get her off, I have to give her intercourse, cause that's what men do.” This is your script.

I try to stay focused on what's feeling good, and the moment at hand, but I start to get nervous that I'm going soft and I don't know what to do. Then my thoughts go to: “ Why can't I ever do this right?” This type of negative thought is often the catalyst for men when struggling with their erection.

“I'm not a man, real men can get hard and stay hard. If only I could keep my erection and be a man, I wouldn't be such a failure.” This example of distorted thinking is what causes men to lose their erection.

Once you have identified your distorted thoughts, reflect back on the accuracy of them. Really look at them, and challenge these statements. *Note: this following part of the exercise may be time consuming the first time around. Answering the following statements may take at least 20 minutes, which may take you out of the moment, but it is okay. This is an essential step; in time it wont take as long and won't take you out of the moment so much.

Example of reflective statements:

“Real men can always gain a hard on.” Ask yourself, “Do I truly believe this statement? What defines a real man?” Here's an example of how one would complete this exercise:

Question: “What defines a real man?”

Answer: “A real man is passionate, kind to others, exudes confidence, honest, owns up to the truth and faces consequences. A real man can keep his partner satisfied, emotionally and sexually. A real man can keep a job, or accomplish what's needed to get a job, like finish school. A real man is there for his family and friends when in need.”

Question: Did attaining and maintaining an erect penis find it's way into your definition of what is a real man?

Answer: “Well, not exactly, but I did say a real man can please his partner sexually.”

Question: Will losing your erection prevent you from ever sexually pleasing your partner completely?

Answer: “Not really, because I already do please my girlfriend through oral, and digital stimulation. She loves the way I tease her with my hands, starting off light, and gradually build the intensity, which just drives her wild and excited, she then begs me me to use my tongue because she loves the way I play around her vagina, leading up to stroke around her clitoris with my tongue. She loves a lot of things I do actually; how without missing a beat I can always find the spot just to the left, under her right earlobe to kiss and give a little bite. I enjoy pleasing her with an occasional back massage with oil, helping her distress and she says I'm the only one that gets all the tough knots out of her back.”

Question: Will losing your erection prevent you from carrying out the other essential aspects that make a man, a man?

Answer: “All the aspects of being a man that I listed I fill, and carry out every day except for confidence. I'm confident in everything but my ability to maintain an erection. If I didn't care about my erection, I would be confident in all areas of my life.

This example shows that an erection does not even appear directly in this man's idea of what defines a man. The one area that he struggles with (confidence) is only a struggle because of the standards he has inflicted on himself and his penis. Once the thoughts, the scripts, and the distortions have been picked apart, it's clear to see these are things keeping him from feeling and believing that he is a confident man.

The message here is that your struggle with your erection does not define you. The sooner you are able to acknowledge this, the sooner you will be able to decipher distorted, self defeating thinking, from positive and productive comments. What does define you are the things that you do right, and your sexual strengths. As previously mentioned in the example above, you may know the exact spot on your girlfriends neck that she just loves when you kiss her there. Or, perhaps you know your girlfriend's body better than anyone else. When you are giving her oral stimulation, you know just how much you should use your tongue, or when to kiss her inner thighs. You are able to read her non-verbal, sexual cues. Your partner is sexual with you for a reason, and the key is here is to find out and remember what they are. Whether it's “ I'm fantastic at oral” or “She love's my tongue,” , “She loves my intensity in the bedroom,” these identified reasons will help you discover your new scripts. Your new scripts will help you push aside all of the negative, defeating thoughts that cloud your mind, so you can be reminded that sexual connection is more than just an erection. Kicking this pattern of negative thinking will pave the way for you to be more in tune with your body and more present in the moment. This in turn will allow your body do it's natural, self-indulgent thing.

The next time you begin to hear your inner critic follow you into the bedroom, kick your sexual script to the curb and open yourself up to experiencing the sensations and being in tune to the moment. If you are unable to redirect your focus onto what is feeling good sexually in that moment, then it's time to go into your mental bag of positive tricks. As soon as a familiar over generalization comes your way, or any recognizable distorted thoughts enter in your head, kick it out with a more rational thought as previously modeled, or share your personal thoughts with your partner. Remember, your partner fell in love with you first, not your penis.

written by Aimee Wood

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