Are you suffering from Low Self-Esteem?

Below are ways to recognize and tackle a poor self-concept.

It begins like any other bady day: You’re assigned to work on a project with a co-worker you can’t stand, you  have a negative response to an idea you express during a meeting, traffic goes on for ten miles, you come home and argue with your partner, And just like every bad day, you experience a range of emotions, interact with various personalities, and remind yourself that it could be worse. Or, perhaps you think that it can’t get any worse. Whatever your perspective, your frustrations- within range- are perfectly normal.

The concept of self-esteem, however, doesn’t occur on some days, and dissapear on others. It isn’t like a typical bad day, where you might feel less attractive, but know once you get out of your sweatpants, you’ll feel great once more. Having low-self esteem is a relatively stable image and understanding of your own self-worth. If you’re constantly thinking negatively, you could be experiencing more than just a slump, more than just  “a bad day.” This could be an indicator of low self-esteem.

A Real Problem

Adults, in some cases, tend to dismiss the concept of low self-esteem. “Encouraging self-esteem is only a concept that should be directed towards children- adults are above needing this constant assurance of self-worth.” However, this view is not a healthy way to approach self-esteem, and can severely cripple the growth and development that occurs in all stages of life. To acknowledge the former falsity would be like suggesting there is no possibility for growth in adults, which is completely untrue.  Poor self-esteem isn’t a concept reserved for those with mental illness, however, the two are related.The truth is that poor self-esteem may be the root cause of an individual’s social or emotional problems, not the other way around.

Low Self-Esteem Archetypes

Having low self-esteem expresses itself in numerous ways, and differently in each individual. It may have its roots in childhood, yet like other features a person might find unattractive, one might find a way to cover up their feelings of low self-worth in various ways, possibly by putting those around them down, or by bragging, or even having long hair that they might hide behind. There are generally three general archetypes, or behavior categories, that many people who suffer from poor self-esteem fit into:

The Bad Boy (or Girl)

No one at work can be around Charles; he is constantly praising himself, taking breaks when he wants, not thinking of anybody else. Charles talks back to his boss, is considered aloof, and doesn’t need anyones approval. While, as his co-worker, you might become frustrated with his too-confidant personality, it may be that Charles is putting on the “bad boy” act for more personal, less obnoxious reasons. He wants to prove that he doesn’t need the kindness or acceptance of his peers, possibly because he is already assuming they wouldn’t like the “real” him, and he predicts rejection. He might lash out preemtively by pushing away those who try to get close to him. He might think he will never be good enough, and is more prone to self-destructive behaviors, like drinking.

The Defeatist

Karen feels as though she is worthless, is self-pitying, and experiences bouts of depression. She doesn’t accept the responsibility of her actions and acts helpless and victimized. Karen doesn’t have confidence in her own abilities and talents, and is positive she will fail even before she begins a project.  She seeks constant approval from others, becoming needy in an intimate relationship. She seeks constant attention and reassurance, and because of this has a tendency to push those close to her away. Karen’s social skills are poorly developed. Karen doesn’t approach new situations or people with optimism or excitement, but rather fears possible confrontation. She spends her time alone, and constantly thinks, “ what’s the point?”

The Perfectionist

Katie graduated first in her class, is a lawyer in a well known firm, and an avid marathoner. She feels that her self-worth is dependent upon how her peers and family view her; if she had worked at the other less known firm, would her family be as proud? If she finished the marathon a minute sooner, would her friends be more impressed? Katie has no stable self image, which is so important, considering that the concept of perfection is impossible. Katie experiences extreme, sudden mood shifts if she doesn’t compete as well as she would have liked to. She is devastated by even the smallest failures, real or perceived. After receiving a good response from her boss on her report, she reviews all of the possible mistakes she could have made obsessively. Katie is described as high strung, and experiences a variety of problems related to tension, high stress, and burnout. She is usually very competitive, leading to a tendency to mistrust peers and coworkers, and to blame others for the places where she falls short.

Causes and Symptoms

Although there are many potential causes for self-esteem issues, the causes are almost always rooted in childhood. If a child is abused she might begin to devalue herself, perhaps not being surrounded by those who tell her that she doesn’t deserve the abuse. The girl might lash out and abuse others, as well, in response to problems. One doesn’t need to experience something as extreme as traumatic sexual abuse to have low self-esteem, however. A child who is ignored by his parents, or treated as an inferior, might eventually come to view himself in this way, and believe that his problems aren’t worth anybody’s time. A child who is expected to get straight A’s, or excell in sports, may come to believe that her self-worth is dependent upon how well she performs, or on whether or not she makes the Honor Roll. All of these children may become the archetypes of The Bad Boy/Girl, The Defeatist, or the Perfectionist.  

Most individuals with low self-esteem share some common traits:

·  They tend to be overly critical of themselves, as well as others. They blame others for their unhappiness and consider themselves the “victim.”

·  They focus on the negative aspects of their lives, instead of the positive.

·  Many are lonely, and feel isolated even when they are in groups.

·  They have  a difficult time accepting compliments.

·  In intimate relationships, those with low self-esteem tend to be needy and demand constant signs of approval in order to feel reassured..

·  They avoid situations that involve emotional risks, where they feel they are exposed and vulnerable

·  Create irrational and illogical ideas about what others are thinking or feeling, i.e. “Bob was frowning in the elevator – it’s because he thinks I’m ugly.”

·  Small losses and dissapointments are maximized, and viewed as a failure of their entire self.

Low self-esteem isn’t something that you have to continue living with! If you recognize any of these traits in yourself or a friend, don’t ignore them!

The Road to Recovery

Recognizing a chronic problem of self-esteem might be the first step towards getting your life back, or, if you’ve been suffering a long time, establishing a new outlook. Poor self-esteem is a common problem and nothing to feel ashamed about. Once you recognize that you have low self-esteem, and that it is making you unhappy, then you are beginning your personal treck on the road to empowerment. Honest self-evaluation is the key to figuring out if dissatisfaction with yourself is a source of dissatisfaction in your life. Low self-esteem is something that anyone can improve. There are people who are willing to help, but it starts with you – you have the power to question yourself, you have the power to recognize problems, and you have the power to initiate change. The road to a positive self-image starts with understanding, but only you can take that first step.

written by Alex Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, LCSW

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