“For better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, through extramarital affairs…” Wait, what?  In retrospect, perhaps the last statement should have been added into the marital contract- after all, affairs are common enough; as common as sickness and health at least.  Marriage is not always a life-time gaurentee.

Why do husbands and wives cheat? Why don’t they simply end the marriage before they continue to date other people?  Or at least inform their spouse of their behaviors? 

A difficult idea to face is the possibility that the one you plan on spending your life with may be having an affair. It’s possible that you will never be able to fully know let alone understand your partner’s decicion to be unfaithful. However, some common themes that lead people to stray from their marriages (written in no particular order):

• Anger towards the spouse
• Unresolved issues with the spouse
• Trying to avoid conflict in marriage
• Career problems, and an affair is an easy way to avoid it
• Looking for excitement or passion they feel is missing in the marriage.
• A way to end an unhappy marriage
• Fear of aging, and an affair can feel validating
• Looking for a one-night stand
• Truly met “the love of their life”
• Long-term relationship outside marriage
• Chronic cheater
• Sexual addiction

The future of the relationship could be dependent upon your ability to spot tell-tale signs in time! With increasingly high rates of divorce, you can’t afford to be left in complete shock if discover an affair between your partner and another. There are a few factors that you should look for that could potentially be signals of a partner’s wandering eye:

How Your Spouse Relates To You

If your spouse is involved with someone else, their interaction with you will undeniably change, even on a subconcious level. Be concious of dramatic changes.

Sudden Disinterest / Interest in Sex

The most obvious sign that your spouse is having an affair might be their sudden disinterest in having sex with you. If your spouse is involved with someone else, energy they might have once spent on their sex life with you, will be dispersed. While they still might be having sex with you, you may notice it is left often, or seems less passionate. They may not be paying you as much attention, or could even be feeling too guilty to have sex with you- therefore ignoring it all together.

This is when it gets confusing, because their sudden desire to have MORE sex with you could mean something as well!  If they suddenly want to have sex more often, they could be experiencing a sexual high- much like a runner gets once they have been exercising for awhile. They could be carrying this new energy over to your relationship. Suddenly they may surprise you with new moves in the bedroom, getting creative in ways you’ve never experienced before. Although this could be innocent and enjoyable, just be aware of any drastic changes. It could be a  signal that something else is happening.

Change in Money Habits

Maybe you’ve noticed your partner isn’t rushing to make plans to eat at a restaurant with you lately. Possibly a chunk of money is missing from your joint bank account, and your spouse has been “losing” receipts from purchases. Your partner may even suggest that you open separate checking accounts, so that they can buy presents for their new partner without you noticing. Or, because they feel so guilty, they may possibly shower you with gifts.Whatever the case, if you’re noticing a difference in the way your spouse is handling money, it could be the result of an affair.  

‘Forgets’ to Wear Wedding Ring

Perhaps even more obvious than a wane in your sex life, may be the absense of your partners’ wedding ring on their finger. If they refuse to wear it when you are out together, this is a sure sign that something is amiss- especially if they had no problem wearing it in the past. They could be searching for “prospects,” and not want their ring to give away their marital status.

Travel

Your partner may take regular business trips, in which case their ring can come off without your being aware. It’s possible they could be mixing business with pleasure, an easy thing to do when your partner has the unique opportunity to cheat away from prying eyes.

If, after reviewing this guide, you have an inclination that your partner may be cheating, it would be best to sit him or her down and ask them if there is anything going on that should be put out in the open. Remember, it is not necessary to become paranoid over small events, however, trust your own instincts. It cannot hurt to confront your partner, and it is best to have your feelings made aware of. Although your partner might be innocent, it is often better to ask, despite how intimidated or scared you might be of the response. Take a risk! Most individuals, when questioned, will answer truthfully. However, there will be those that deny any accusations. Trust your gut. Only you know when your partner is lying. If something does not feel right, it’s not right. At the very least, seek marital counseling to help you make sense of what your gut is telling you.

Successful relationships work when the members involved are committed to making them work- the key word here being “committed.” Although affairs have the tendency to break trust and ruin marriage, they can also strengthen them. Affairs often become a turning point where both people in the relationship commit to the relationship in a new way; where old trust is broken, new trust is built, which is often more powerful and deeper than before.

written by Alex Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, LCSW

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