What is a sex addiction? Sex addictions are best
understood as a form of an intimacy disorder. Addicts typically
experience compulsive sexual thoughts and/or actions. For example, sex
addicts compulsively masturbate, view pornographic material, surf the
web, engage in phone sex, swing, have affairs, attend strip clubs,
frequent massage parlors, engage in voyeurism and—in the extreme—rape
people. The common element among sex addicts is that they feel powerless
to stop / control their behavior. It’s as if the behaviors are
controlling them. Frequently, the sexual behaviors are progressive. Even
as sex addicts suffer the natural consequences of their behaviors: poor
self esteem, depression, loss of interest in things not sexual,
financial problems, relationship troubles, health risks, job loss and
possible arrest, addicts are still unable to listen to their rational
self. They are unable to stop.
Sex addicts organize their world around sex. Sex addicts interact
with people as a way to facilitate their ability to obtain sexual
pleasure. Sexual addiction takes up a lot of energy. As their energy
investment increases, a pattern of behavior tends to emerge.
Specifically, the sex addict begins to engage in ritualistic behaviors
as part of their “acting out.” Though it’s different from person to
person, the ritualistic behaviors may be flirting, masturbating,
cruising online, having one-night stands, swinging, engaging in sex with
a prostitute, and even raping someone. Sex addiction is not about the
actual sexual behavior, but about the anticipation of sexual behavior,
the temporary relief felt during sexual behavior, and the denial of
feelings while being sexual. Most notably, after the sexual acting out,
there is usually some combination of: remorse, guilt, depression,
despair, shame, hopelessness, confusion and resolve not to do it again.
Then the cycle repeats itself.
While the recovery process is different for each sexual addict, there
are some themes. Recovery typically involves the following four
categories: 1) Detoxing; 2) De-traumatizing; 3) Centering & Healing;
and 4) Sexual Health. We define Detoxing as stopping the behavior and
learning to tolerate the uncomfortable feelings: boredom, discomfort,
anxiety, emptiness, pain, and sadness. De-traumatizing is best
understood as identifying and exploring past events that have
contributed to the uncomfortable feelings that the sexual addiction
masks. Centering and Healing refers to learning to be comfortable with
self and identifying new coping mechanisms to reduce negative feelings.
Sexual Health is defined as learning ways in which to express one’s own
sexuality. Full recovery is not celibacy, but rather developing the
skill set needed to be sexually intimate with self and others.
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