When you are in a long distance relationship communication is crucial.  There are many ways you can communicate, despite the distance.  One popular and free way to minimize the distance is through Skype, a video-chat program.  Of course Skype does not replace true physical interactions; however, it does offer a great substitute.  Despite having video-chat technology, in long distance relationships you have limited in person face-to-face interactions so it is important to understand what your partner is truly saying.  In many ways having inside jokes and special memories establishes a different way for communicating and relating to your partner and you have inevitably developed your own language when talking about these events.  Often times this way of relating takes place without intention; however, you can make this special language intentional.  This unique language that only the two of you understand can make your relationship even more intimate.  

There are many ways to utilize intentional language as it provides the framework for communication.  Using intentional language takes the guessing out of communication and tells others exactly what you are thinking and feeling.  With our plethora of communication mediums available today there are many things that can just get lost in transmission; whether it be through text-message, e-mail, phone conversation, or video-chat we are missing a lot of the subtle indicators that we would typically recognize in a in-person conversation.  One way to implement intentional language into your own relationship is to establish your own flirty nickname for having Skype sex.  Having your own flirty nickname for Skype sex will allow both partners to be on the same page and know what to expect.  Without physical indicators, you can rely on your verbal cues by having a nickname (or codename) that you both understand.  This tip will help you and your partner create your own flirty nickname.  But before you develop your own nickname be cognizant that you are making a decision that may make you vulnerable to public scrutiny and ask yourself the following question:

Is Skype Sex Right For Us?  First ask yourself, “Is Skype sex right for me?  Will this jeopardize my career if my partner sends out these risqué images to all of my contacts in a fight of anger?  Imagine yourself being a teacher who’s video is leaked onto the Internet, that could end your career.  What would happen if those images got into the wrong hands?  Before engaging in cyber-sex with your partner via Skype you must be aware of the ramifications.  This is an emerging technology and there is nothing inherently safe about exposing your body over the Internet, even if you are engaging in this behavior with someone you trust.   So in the event that you are not a teacher, or aspiring to be a politician, and you are willing to take the risk here are some strategies to do “damage control” in the event that the video-chats are leaked.  Make a conscious decision to only show your face and cover your genitals and breasts or only show your body and make sure your face is not in the camera’s frame.  Have a conversation with your partner and make the decision together.  Think of all the pros and cons to decide if this will work for you.  

Find Your Inner Flirt

Think back on the fun and flirty beginning of your relationship.  How did you let your partner know that you were into them?  What activities did you do together?  Think back to the excitement that you experienced when you first met your partner and bring that excitement to this new element of your intimate life.  To do this, begin by brainstorming by yourself.  Do you already have a codeword for sex?  Or is there something that you typically use as a signal when you are with someone that would like to initiate sex with?  Maybe when you first started dating you would casually ask the other person if they wanted to watch a movie, knowing that a movie would not really be watched because in reality you couldn’t keep your hands off of one another.  This was your “code” for having sex and being intimate.  You can pull from your own experiences and past “code” names for sex to create your new nickname for Skype-sex.  Just because you are not experiencing the same behavior doesn’t mean that you can’t recycle a phrase that has worked before.  However, you might want something a little more distinct or unique.  Do you feel like you are having a difficult time engaging your inner flirt right now?  Before your run to your partner for suggestions, give yourself some time to brainstorm and practice! You might find it difficult to think of a nickname or maybe you have an idea that you think just might work, but give yourself permission to take the risk and present a new idea!  While taking a risk is anxiety provoking—your partner is probably anxious too—but you are setting the tone for this new activity.  Let your partner follow your lead as you throw out some potential nicknames!  Now it is time to get creative!

Let the Creativity Flow

What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about Skype?  What about sex?  Do those two things rhyme?  Many nicknames can stand alone, without a reference to anything else.  You don’t particularly need a context to pull the name out of.  For example you can call this “sexy time,” “sexy skype,” “making a video,” body chat time.”  You can go with just about anything! For example, if you would like to nickname it “sexy skype” you would say to your partner: “So I have been thinking: tonight would be a good night for sexy skype.”  OR “I have been thinking about sexy skype all day, I miss seeing all of you.”  You can literally fill in the blank with your own nickname: “Let’s S.Sing (which stands for “sexy skyping)!”  OR “Do you want to ______?”  

Also, since you are practicing intentional language make sure you and your partner have discussed rules and limitations with Skype sex.  After all, you are your partner both maintain the right to say “no.”  Not only if you don’t want to have sex, but you also need to be clear on whether or not you are in an OK place to have Skype sex.  Before you answer a video-chat call from your partner, in the nude, make sure they are not using the Skype application on their phone or that they are not entertaining friends or colleagues when you call.  You and your partner need to establish set times for Skype sex, when you know you will both be home.  Or if your schedules are too unpredictable you may choose to send a text-message request: “Want sexy skype?” OR “Do you have time to body chat?  What time works for you?”  Not only does this create the habit of healthy boundaries and communication, but also it lowers in the instances of accidental risk.

But maybe you are looking for a nickname with more spunk.  The general phrases are great, but you want something a little wittier.  After all, who can resist a great pun or joke?

Get a sense of humor:  Can you think of a celebrity that got busted for exposing their body?  Will in case you have been living in a cave for the past ten years, celebrities are continuously getting busted for their sexual rendezvous.  Probably the most notable example is of Paris Hilton’s sex video, “1 Night in Paris.”  Other celebrities such as Fred Durst, Pam Anderson, Kim Kardashian, and Dustin Diamond (“Screech” from Saved By The Bell) have also had sex videos released (or leaked).  

If you would like to bring a little humor to the situation you may decide to develop a nickname for Skype sex that relates to a celebrity sex tape.  For example you may ask your partner at the beginning of your video-chat:  “What do you think, are you up for “A Night in Paris” tonight?”  You can also ask your partner:  “Want to pull a Pam Anderson kind of night?”  This nickname will typically work best if your partner knows who the celebrity is and also knows the type of sex that they have.  By doing this, you are coding the type of sexual energy that you are looking for.  

Is there a song that says it better?  Is there a lyric in a song that gets you every time?  Do you think the artist says what you would love to say to your partner?  Lots of songs reference sex, some in a romantic/passionate way while others use creative slang.  Maybe you would like to take a current hit, like Rihanna’s What’s My Name and tell your partner and use the lyric “go downtown” to provide a sexy suggestion.  If you were to use this lyric it may sound like:  “Rihanna’s right, I want to see if you can go downtown tonight!” Or maybe you would like to use a more humors code name from a Bloodhound Gang song, Bad Touch.  “Baby, let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.”  If your partner is not familiar with the song you are referring to you can always preface it and say: “I think the Bloodhound Gang says it best ‘I want to be down in your South Seas’!”

There are so many songs to choose from, it is OK to be self-indulgent!  Even if the partner doesn’t like the song—they will be turned on by your energy.  Before introducing the idea to your partner, start brainstorming by yourself.  If you do get stuck and cannot access your ‘inner flirt’ you can always consult your partner.  Don’t forget to set clear ground rules with your partner so you both know when you are clear to ask for Skype sex when no one else is around and your partner is in a safe place.  The most important thing to remember while accessing your “inner flirt” is to have fun and let yourself be in the moment.  If you are using clear, intentional language you will limit the possibility of miscommunication and increase the chances of getting laid via Skype!

written by Sex Therapy in Philadelphia

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